Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Boxscore Watchin'!: The Sequel Edition.

More things we’ve learnt from the unspeakably exciting NBA Exhibition Season thus far, in which the past comes back to haunt us and the future continues to taunt us:

YI JIANLIAN PLAYS BASKETBALL FINE, DESPITE SLANTY EYES!
Remember, o friends, back in the long-distant days of summer 2002, back when America invading Iraq was still just a zany frat-prank scheme, and every basketball media mouthpiece with a soapbox to stand on came out and declared Yao Ming was going to be a colossal bust. Basing their opinions on, well, um, nothing-but-unspeakable-racism, pundits like Charles Barkley openly opined that the Rockets were totally crazy for passing up, um, Jay ‘I threw it all away’ Williams, to draft a guy who would end up averaging 25 and 10. Of course, even in those early days, as Yao proved himself to be both bonafide NBA player and not-mindless-communist-automaton, opinions changed. Shaquille O’Neal showed how far sentiment had swayed mid-way during Yao’s rookie year, with his sensitive, heartfelt, eloquent reflection on the experiences of all immigrating Asian-Americans: “ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh!”. In an eerie five-years-later sequel, Yi Jianlian has been already labeled the bust to end all busts by so many notable critics, most of whom haven’t, like, seen him play. Or, if so, have seen him only work out against the immortal Chair. Yet, anyone who watched, say, the 2006 World Championships, would know that Yi, whatever his age, certainly has enough potential to wager a draft-pick on. Likely to split time with Chuckles Villanueva this coming year, Yi will be presented with an opportunity to play, and an opportunity to prove all those draft doubters wrong pretty early in his career. Today, in his second-ever run in anything remotely resembling an NBA-styled game, Yi had 12 points, 4 rebounds, 2 assists, and showed his three-point range. He actually seems like he could be, y’know, pretty good. Even though he’s Chinese.

BRAD MILLER, PARTYING LIKE IT’S 1999!
Proving that all… what’s the right euphemism… urban fashion-trends eventually end up on crackers from Middle America, Brad Miller has busted out the headband-and-cornrow combo that would’ve made him totally happening in the AAU scene back in ’99. If Miller were physically able to complete an alley-oop, it mightn’t even be out of the question for him to do some righteous head-pounding. Sacto fans are now just hoping that Miller’s knees don’t go the same way of his newly-adopted style icon, Darius Miles.

PEJA STOJAKOVIC IS BACK, HAS BAD BACK!
Still lurking at the tacked-on end to most fantasy dorks’ pre-draft rankifying, Peja Stojakovic is doing his best to confuse people. As in: he’s played and started both Hornets games, showing more resiliency than he did in the 2006 Playoffs. In such, he’s piled up 44 combined minutes in back-to-back (Yeah! Yeah! And you know that!) nights, and, in such, the swarthy Serb has cranked up 15 three-pointers. Even if his weird across-the-face stroke has yet to get tighten’d back up. Translation: 4/15. Whilst such struggles could easily be excused as meaningless numbers from meaningless preseason warm-ups, it’s hard not to be a little wary of Peja, given his age (30), health, injury possibilities, and recent stat-slipping tendencies. As it stands, I’ve got him at #65 on my draft-board. It’s the definition of fence-sitting: from there, he'll likely play as either boon or bust. Health pending.

PASTY REDHEADS IN FOREST GREEN OUTFITS WITH WEIRD PLASTIC FACEMASKS STRAPPED TO THEIR (RED) HEADS ARE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLY ATTRACTIVE!
We haven’t actually learnt this, but, hey, this is a preseason fantasy column, so allow me to forecast into the future. When I heard the news “Luke Ridnour has the broken beak! It was like all smashed up by that crazy dude who did MJ’s ribs!”, my first thought was: soon, my pretties, soon, Lil’ Lukey will be suiting up in the facemask. Meaning, he will be rekindling memories of those glorious April days of the ought-six, back when Ramblin’ Bobby Swift donned the creepy plastic and looked even more awkward than normal for a handful of highly arousing games. Ladies, the look will soon be back en vogue. Take heed.

J.J. WATCH, PART DEUX!
Maybe this is where I clarify: JJ Redick truly is a deluxe fantasy sleeper. Crank those stats, work those numbers, see how it all pans out. Today, with its 19 points and 5/8 threes, is more grist for such a statistical mill. But he is, when you get down to it, JJ Redick. No bandage can cover his scars. It’s hard living life behind invisible bars.

JUST IN CASE YOU MISSED IT LAST YEAR: THE ATLANTA HAWKS, SUMMER PICK-UP BALL PRIMED!
The unstoppable Hawks juggernaut rolled to 2-0 on the exhibition slate with an overtime squeaker against a Miami Heat team featuring a couple of actual NBA players actually playing (including Shaq!). Behind the efforts of their six recent lottery selections —from Josh Childress’s hair to Acie Law’s knuckleball— the newly-blue ATL machine pulled it out over a Heat squad that wore a 22/12 night from Udonis Haslem and 6 blocks by my soon-to-be fantasy factor Dorell Wright. Where the Heat still look to be sorting the wheat (Brian Chase) from the chaff (Antoine Walker), pawing through the refuse to see who’ll be riding their bench this season, the Hawks’re on song; playing their regulars large (Josh Smith, 34 minzzz) and playing to win. Which, of course, may be the problem. Last year, despite the sinking feeling that came whenever guaranteed-#5-pick Smelldon ‘Downsy’ Williams subbed into the game instead of Brandon ROY, the Yardbirds soared to a 6-3 preseason mark, and took that winning form into the actual season, jumping out of the gates a Zazatastic 4-1. Of course, going 5-20 over the next two months dampened a little of that early-season optimism. But not so much that they’re not going to turn the trick again this year. Exhibition foes, cower in fear! The Mighty Ducks of Atlanta are here!

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