Hey, Coach, Why No Burn?

There are guys around the league that drive fans nuts: stone-fisted, brainless bigs like Kwame Brown or Brendan Haywood; poor-shooting, turnover-prone gunners like Stephon Marbury or Flip Murray; and, most of all, complete and utter spastics like No-Neck Johnson or Primoz Brezec, guys who it’s impossible to believe are still in the league, let alone starting for your beloved ballclub (this working under the perhaps-erroneous assumption that the Hawks and Bobcats actually have actual fans).

Then, there’re other ballers out there who drive folks mental. Crazy in that way that hustling, hard-working, heart-and-soul, always-influence-the-game-whenever-they-step-on-the-court guys cause fans to freak out. When people are patently so talented, so productive, and so influential any time they’re on the court, their absence from the hardwood can make loyal followers of their team go goon-crazy.

In terms of fantasy basketball, these fan-favourites often double as deluxe sleepers; the kind of guys who contribute mightily in limited burn, to the point where if you calculate their per-40-minute numbers you nearly faint at the prospect. Mostly, they’re hustlers; guys who you dream of grabbing four offensive boards, ripping three steals, and blocking four shots in a night’s work. Every night. Be it for your fantasy team, or for your non-fantasy —y’know, real life— club. In every case, the same question need be asked: Hey, Coach, Why No Burn?

RENALDO BALKMAN, Knicks.
Anyone starting a defence of Isiah Thomas need only point to Balkman as Exhibit A. In the ought-six draft, Thomas went out on a limb, denying Knicks’ fans lust for UConn point Marcus Williams, selecting, instead, an anonymous Gamecock hustler who’d shown little talent at scoring the ball in college. In one-and-a-bit seasons, Balkman has shown that being a natural scorer is about the only thing he isn’t. Balkman is an amazing on-ball defender, a sneaky-quick help defender, a disruptive influence in the passing lanes, an aggressive rebounder, a gifted ball-handler, and has an amazing knack for dribbling the ball in transition all the way to the hole and finishing with two hands. In the Knicks’ sole memorable night of the season —the rousing Denver win— Renaldo changed the tenor of the entire game; his defensive effort on Carmelo Anthony just the tip of his all-floor influence. Whilst Balkman’s contributions to the game were mostly intangible, he still delivered promising stats: 11 points, 4 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 steal, 3 blocks in 27 minutes. For his career, Balkman’s per-40-minute numbers go: 12.2 PPG, 10.1 RPG, 1.5 APG, 1.8 TO, 2.0 SPG, 1.5 BPG, and 50.3 FG%. For role-player comparison’s sake, Jared Jeffries’ career per-40-minute stats: 9.5 PPG, 7.8 RPG, 2.5 APG, 2.1 TO, 1.2 SPG, 0.8 BPG, and 43.6 FG%. Is that even a comparison? So, okay, Renaldo can’t shoot (he’s hit 55% from the line, and for some reason has gone 5/29 from three), but that wouldn’t be what he’s on the floor for. Balkman delivers something the Knicks, outside of David Lee and Nate Robinson, completely lack: energy, enthusiasm, passion, aggression, defense, hustle. Y’know, the kind of things that Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry are renowned for not bringing.

AMIR JOHNSON and JASON MAXIELL, Pistons.
For a guy whose career has totalled, thus far, 185 minutes of court-time, Amir Johnson has received a mighty amount of exposure (see: any Pistons blog) and cash (see: 3 years, $11mil). I guess posting 20 and 12 with 3 steals and 4 blocks in an otherwise-meaningless regular-season finale will do that. Maxiell’s gotten much more ‘real’ playing time, and this season is even averaging 6.3 PPG, 4.6 RPG, and 1.7 BPG, decent numbers for a backup big-man. But, for Pistons fans, those numbers still aren’t enough. Most dream of Johnson and Maxiell splitting time as the fifth starter. If those guys combined to play 48 minutes a night, at the power-forward spot, say, their career output suggests they’d do numbers something like: 18.0 PPG, 11.2 RPG, 1.3 SPG, 3.7 BPG, at 49.7 FG%. As the season progresses, though, it’s looking unlikely they’ll even combine to average 24 minutes a night.

JAMES SINGLETON, Tau Cerámica.
James Singleton’s rookie season —asail ’pon a Clipper ship bound for postseason glory— was a thing of tantalising fantasy beauty. In the 15 games in which the highly-energetic reserve forward played over 20 minutes, his averages, in 28.9 MPG, were most eyepopping averages of: 8.6 PPG, 7.5 RPG, 1.3 APG, 1.0 SPG, 0.8 BPG, 0.9 TO, 61.9 FG%, 75.0 FT%, and even went 7/12 from three-point range. Not only did Singleton meter out as a perfect, across-the-board fantasy player, but it was even more impressive to see him on the court; playing chest-to-man defence, hedging on screens, hustling his heart out, crashing the glass with gay abandon. Clippers fans, in the midst of the greatest season in the Franchise’s abhorrent history, absolutely loved this guy. So, going into 2006/07, the expectation would only be that the sketchy burn Singleton received in his rookie year was going to give way to a defined second-year role. The result: Mike Dum-Dum-leavy, one of the dimmer coaching bulbs in the NBA box, dished out 29 DNP-CDs, and only played him over 20 minutes 5 times! Before we knew it, a guy who once looked to be both fantasy sleeper deluxe and future member of the Hustle Hall Of Fame was on his way to Spain, possibly never to be seen in the League again. But, hey, at least we got to see plenty of Tim Thomas.

CRAIG SMITH, Timberwolves.
When Randy Wittman ‘ascended’ to the head-coaching position in Minnesota, amidst the appalling scapegoatery that befell Dwayne Casey, and the once-above-.500 Timberwolves quit on the season after management quit on the coach, something should’ve been plainly obvious to anyone coming into the situation: Craig Smith, the Neo Big Nasty, needed to play more. End-of-season breakdowns, by 82games, show that Smith and Garnett ranked as Minnesota’s top two-man combo, not to mention them being at the 4/5 in six of ’Sota’s top seven 5-man units. This season, Smith’s 18 MPG are the same as last year’s 18 MPG, but he’s doing the same things as last time around: 10 PPG, 5 RPG, 55.3 FG%, plenty of offensive rebounds, hard-ass screens, and leave-a-mark fouls. But, given that the T-Pups’re supposed to be on the tank, blooding the kids and hoping a few of them turn out okay, why Smith isn’t being fed more time must remain puzzling to the few remaining fans in the Twin Cities. Like: every minute that Antoine Walker or Theo Ratliff’s Expiring Contract gets on the floor at the expense of Smith seems like a minute too many.

TYRUS THO… uh, I mean, JOAKIM NOAH, Bulls.
Ladies and gentlemen… Joakim Noah! 2008 winner of the Tyrus Thomas Memorial Why No Burn? Award! Just as in last season, when Chicagoans ached for Scott Skiles to just put the damn kid in the game already, once more both Bulls fans and curious onlookers’re perplexed as to why their mighty-uptighty coach isn’t giving Noah more run. In Chicago’s only win of the season thus far(!!!), Noah did everything Ben Wallace was once believed to do: influence the game without taking a single shot. Against the Pistons, in his 12 minutes on the court, Joakim went 0/0 from the floor, but grabbed 5 offensive rebounds, dished out 4 assists, and recorded a +6 plus/minus rating. Given he’s played 50 minutes in his three-game career thus far, working out the rookies per-48-minute averages is self evident: he having 13 rebounds (8 offensive), 3 steals, and 4 blocks thus far. Sure, he’s 0/7 on the year from the field, but 6/8 from the line goes nice. Compare this to the decaying corpse the Bulls’re trotting out at centre for like $20mil a season: 3.5 PPG, 4.8 RPG, 0.7 SPG, 1.2 BPG, 32.1 FG%, 27.3 FT%, in 27 MPG. Now, compare suddenly-Small Ben’s thus-far numbers against last year’s turn by PJ Brown’s Expiring Contract: 6.1 PPG, 4.8 RPG, 0.3 SPG, 0.7 BPG, 40.7 FG%, 78.7 FT%, in 20 minutes a night. The Lesson: all those who spent last season baying for Thomas to play ahead of PJ should be even more indignant this season. Oh, no, wait, I mean: The Lesson, for Ben Wallace Fantasy Owners: You should’ve followed the Statsheet Stuffin’ draft rules advice.